If you're reading this page, then you're probably an asshole.

 
 
 

Holstein Press is pleased to announce the publication of You Don't Look Young for Your Age. Part rant, part memoir and all humour, You Don’t Look Young for Your Age is an illustrated collection of stories that pulls the curtain back on popular thinking.

Whether it’s questionable parenting, fast-food spirituality or rock star physicists, first-time novelist Bruce Freedman surmises that conventional wisdom is as wrong as you may think it’s right. You’ll grimace as you see yourself in a story and laugh as you read another that you’re certain is about someone you know — or someone you saw throwing a tantrum in Whole Foods. It’s irreverent and relatable. Click here to view a gallery of some of the amazing illustrations within the book.

The book is currently available at Amazon in kindle or paperback  format and at Lulu Marketplace in paperback format. If you're in Toronto, you can also pick up a copy at Book City, Annex and Yonge & St Clair locations. If you want a smaller bite, you can read the chapter, The Fifth 'C' of Buying an Engagement Ring. For further information, contact us at info@holsteinentertainment.com

If you’re not an asshole, then it’s unlikely you’ll be on this page. That’s because aside from here and here there are no links anywhere on the internet to this website. Nor is it advertised or listed on any business card. In fact there are only three possible reasons why you might have ended up on this website:

  1. Random internet surfing;
  2. Because you’ve received the official press release or won the GoodReads giveaway for my book, You Don't Look For Your Age;
  3. Because you're an acquaintance or frenemy of mine and were specifically searching for a website associated with my publisher, Holstein Press.

If you’re here for #1, then please enjoy the visit. So nice to have you here. I apologize for the profanity and if you’d still like to buy my book, I’d be flattered and will throw in a smile and an uncomfortably long hug the next time you’re in Toronto.

If you’re here for #2, thanks for checking it out. Hope you find it amusing. Click here to receive a review copy of my book. Or click here if you'd rather look at some pictures of my cat.

But if you’re here for #3, then perhaps it's time to turn your gaze inwards and contemplate this defining question: "What is it about you that makes you need to check up on somebody like me?"

The answer is easy. You're an asshole. You're the sycophant, who — at parties — politely asks a celebrity's perspective on the paintings, the pinot noir and the pie. But if you're meeting a struggling artist or someone who's new to the industry, then you give them a smirk.

Now if I'm to be completely honest then I've got to admit that I can be an asshole too. Over the years, I’ve met people who told me they were 'published authors.' And the truth is, on a couple of those ocassions, I googled their publishers afterwards. Not because I was planning to buy any books, but because the asshole in me wanted to see if they'd written 'real' books with 'real' publishers or if they were only vanity publishing their pathetic musings. (Not that all self-published books are pathetic; there’s been more than a few successful best sellers that have emerged from the self-publishing swamp. But swamp it is, as any random search will show you. Just gander the writing ‘prowess’ on leading self-publishing house Lulu’s online bookstore.)

Which brings me to Holstein Press. Pathetic or potent, my own musings were vanity published through Lulu. As part of the process I was required to input something under ‘publisher.’ Sure, I could’ve put Bruce Freedman or Bruce Freedman Press or some other permutation of my name, but that felt really lame. It’s one thing to know your book is vanity published, but another to shout it from the rooftops. Especially since the only people — other than media folk — who will truly care whether my publisher is Holstein Press or HarperCollins are other assholes. This website’s for them.

But it occurs to me, that I must care so much about what other people think, that not only have I created a moniker for my publisher, but a website specifically for this moniker. This must make me the biggest asshole of all.

The name 'Holstein,' by the way, came from my wife who produced a short film, Brian Vs The Cat, back in 2005. She named her production company, Holstein Productions, after our cat's name in the film. I guess that makes her an asshole too.

Contact us at assholes@holsteinentertainment.com